esrever ni nevele enin: live on the telescreen

down the rabbit hole.

summer of 2001.

mcveigh was executed.

yates drowned her children.

osama was on my mind.

it was august 2001.

it was the summer of chandra levy.

it was the summer of hurricane erin.

i did not trust bush.

bush stole the election with jeb's help.

it was the summer of enron.

it was the summer of periodic terror threats.

it was in the news.

i was a junkie.

a news junkie.

it didn't happen overnight.

it was years in the making.

down the rabbit hole in 1991.

oliver stones disinfo psyop hit the theaters.

that was my first peek down the rabbit hole.

i had finished reading slaughterhouse five and franny and zooey.

i had finished reading king's scary clown epic.

i had finished reading thirteen days and zodiac.

i went down the rabbit hole and discovered on the trail of the assassins and high treason.

and i never looked back.

i stayed down here.

i will never return to the surface.

down the rabbit hole.

deep down.

all alone down here.

first world trade center bombing.

two days later the waco fireball.

two years later oklahoma city.

bojinka plot.

twa 800.

embassy bombings.

osama on the public radar.

uss cole bombing.

i stayed down the rabbit hole.

deep down.

it was 1991. seinfeld was prime time television. oliver stones disinfo psyop was 28 years in the making. seinfeld reconstructed the scene inside the limousine in dealey plaza. the nightmare on elm street. seinfeld tied it to a mets phillies game. seinfeld could hardly keep a straight face. he was always laughing or smirking at his own lines. keith hernandez was in the episode. he was smoking cigarettes inside a bar. he bragged about his nineteen seventy nine mvp title. he needed help moving. it was an episode called the boyfriend. it pushed me to peek down the rabbit hole. back and to the left. back and to the left. it compelled me to see stones psyop. to search for an abridged copy of the warren commission report. but i didn't know it was a psyop at the time. i didn't know who stone was. i didn't know that it was financed by arnon milchan. i didn't know it protected israel. but that seinfeld episode was my gateway drug. it featured allusions to zapruder and garrison. allusions to the magic bullet and umbrella man. allusions to a second shooter and the grassy knoll. it was the perfect starter course for the kennedy kill. i had questions. many questions. but not many answers. mr x was a limited hangout salesman. mr x was prouty was a disinfo agent. milchan was a zionist financier. he produced the medusa touch. but i didn't know those details at the time. i didn't know about about milchan and michael collins piper. i didn't know about permindex and lansky. i didn't know what milchan and stone didn't want me to know.

so i went down the rabbit hole in 1991.

deep down.

freefall down.

my mother said she believed oswald was innocent.

it was 1991.

he was sincere when he said he was a patsy she said.

we agreed.

she did not cite sources or say she read this book or that book.

it was back in the days before the internet.

it was the book era.

the magazine era.

the encyclopedia era.

the documentary era.

my mother had not read any of the books she hastily grabbed from the pharmacy rack.

but she remembered all of the television specials.

the limited hangouts.

but i didn't know they were limited hangouts.

and she didn't know they were limited hangouts.

we didn't know frames were removed from the zapruder film.

i said i wanted to see stones psyop.

but i didn't call it a psyop at the time.

she worked at a local video store that rented porn behind a plastic beaded curtain.

she said wait until it comes out on vhs.

she would get me a copy.

she always obtained copies.

down the rabbit hole.

deep down.

the warren commission report.

my mother had an abridged paperback copy.

she found it used at a thrift store.

ninety nine cents.

it was worn and smelled musty from the basement.

but she never read it.

i didn't know she had it.

she forget she had it.

my search was over.

i read it before stones film came out on vhs.

down the rabbit hole.

deep down.

and i had no idea what was down the rabbit hole.

i went from slaughterhouse five and the zodiac to the kennedy assassination.

it was only a matter of weeks.

the internet was being born.

i kept a journal of the persian gulf war.

that was my internet.

newspaper clippings.

handwritten transcripts of television news broadcasts.

that was when it all started.

i did not trust the government.

the warren commission report was the government.

even abridged it was voluminous.

i read profiles in courage.

i read four kennedy assassination books in one month.

it was too much information.

i could not process it all.

mother should i trust the government?

it was after the first world trade center bombing and waco when i purchased my first personal computer. it was around the time cobain was found dead. the internet was young. it was immature. dialup was slow. search engines did not read my mind. pictures took an eternity to load. my printer was a color deskjet. my monitor was not a television set. it was a major upgrade from the used atari 800 home computer my family acquired in 1984. the atari used memory cartridges cassette tapes and floppy disks. it featured a dot matrix printer. it was connected to a 13 inch black and white television set in the dining room. i taught myself how to write programs and save them on the cassette tapes. i created role playing games with text and images consisting of keyboard characters. i created programs that would endlessly repeat a phrase on the screen until i hit the escape button. but the personal computer was different. the internet was slow but cd rom was fast. i used the internet to collect images. i saved hundreds of images onto 3.5 inch floppy disks. i used the internet for aol instant messenger and email. i met people from all over the hemisphere. it was something new. it was 1994. it was the year my grandfather died. it was the end of one era and the beginning of the next.

but now i know there are no endings. no beginnings. just constant flux. constant change. constant transitions. constant.

i studied the headlines for psyops.

down the rabbit hole.

jfk.

oklahoma city.

jfk.

twa 800.

jfk.

embassy bombings.

jfk.

columbine.

jfk.

uss cole.

jfk.

andrea yates.

jfk.

execution of mcveigh.

jfk.

the months before nine eleven.

deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

and then 9/11.

i was lihop that day.

they were going to blame osama.

i knew it after the second plane.

the pentagon didn't matter.

two planes were enough.

they were saying osama.

they were saying al qaeda.

ehud olmert and jerry hauer had it all figured out.

they were saying only bin laden had the means to pull off something like what we saw that day. planes into buildings. buildings on fire. buildings destroying themselves.

attack on america.

america under attack.

jerry hauer attempted to explain how and why the towers destroyed themselves.

i watched it on the telescreen.

live.

live on the telescreen.

my partner and i were sitting in the customers driveway.

in our work van.

smoking cigarettes. drinking coffee.

wrcn or wbab or wxrk was on the radio.

my partner was on his phone.

i was on caffeine cannabis and nicotine.

i remember the breaking news.

i don't remember what song just ended.

but i remember the disk jockey's words.

it wasn't a solemn voice or an excited voice.

but i remember his words. they were simple.

there's reports that a small commuter plane has crashed into one of the twin towers of the world trade center. we will update this breaking story as soon as we learn more.

it was 8:50am.

we were in the middle of a kitchen renovation.

we rushed inside. we explained to the customer that a plane had hit the world trade center.

she turned on the telescreen.

fox news or cnn. i don't remember.

it had begun.

the north tower was smoking. on fire.

what the fuck.

holy shit.

but i wasn't thinking terrorism. i wasn't thinking bin laden. i wasn't thinking it was a deliberate act.

it wasn't a small plane. that's what i was thinking.

a lot of people are dead. that's what i was thinking.